Hello you,

One of my housemates has a poster on his wall with a speech from someone about dreaming. It said that not succeeding doesn’t matter as long as you had a dream and you went for it. The speech resonated with me. (I will update this post with the entire speech).

I’ve always been a dreamer. I see or think about things that I would love to do and then go ahead and do them. My roommate in first year once remarked, “You are a big dreamer aren’t you?” I told her that yes, I am. I like dreaming. I like telling myself that the world much bigger than I can imagine and there are many things to do and see.

And I’m not wrong. The world is bigger than you think. YOU have more potential than you think you do. So why not dream? I know that sometimes dreaming can lead to disappointment. I couldn’t be able to tell you how many dreams I went for that ended in disappointment and a lot of doubt in my own abilities. It happens. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dream. Here’s something I wrote a while ago about this (I write little stories and dialogues quite often and this one I wrote on a piece of paper in a train):

“You shouldn’t indulge yourself in whims and dreams of this kind.”

“Why not?”

“It leads to false hope.”

“What’s wrong with a little hope?”

“It leads to disappointment.”

“That’s absurd, that’s like telling me not to smile because I’ll be sad. Disappointment and sadness are an inherent part of life. You never know what is going to happen and you shouldn’t begrudge yourself the good things just because you think the bad things will come. They will come, but so will the good things.”

It’s sort of a rough draft and I wrote is as a conversation with myself, after writing it, I forgot about it until today. It’s easy to get deterred from dreaming. When we try some things the outcome isn’t what we hoped, we lose courage and we tell ourselves we will never try again because the disappointment hurts that much. Do not give up trying, do not give up dreaming. Especially if it’s something you want so badly. Failures are a part of success; with every fail, you learn to do better and it’s one step closer to your goal. Look at it like this, you’re playing a game and you want to get to the next level or save the princess or whatever. Each time you lose, you take note of what you can do to avoid that from happening and then you play again and so on, and before you know it, you have saved the princess (or you’ve been promoted to the next level). How did you do that? You learned from your past failures. Don’t you think this is more worthwhile than just easily achieving all of your dreams? If that happened, your dreams will have no value and you also won’t be proud of yourself for how much you’ve come.

Let me tell you a little back story. My parents do not know this but I have them to thank for allowing me to dream. When I was 4 years old, we moved from my ‘toddler-hood’ home where we had a lot of friends to play with to the farms, a place where houses were so far apart from each other and you couldn’t just greet your neighbor over the fence. We were so bored and my siblings and I would set off to the neighboring farms to find friends. There were not many kids our age around but there were some kids at our direct neighbor’s.  There were two older boys, a slightly older girl (that my sister talked to) and a younger boy who was both my brother and I’s friend. This little boy had a room full of toys. His room was like Toys R Us and the most perplexing thing? He kept asking his mother for more. Dude had a chest full of LEGO and he wanted more toys! Every time my brother and I went over to his house to play, we’d find him in his room and I’d ask to play with his LEGO and it was great, but he never wanted to stay inside and play with his toys; he preferred to go outside and ride his bicycle. Very soon after, he and his family moved away and for a long time, my siblings and I were friendless.

Not to worry though, we read a lot, losing ourselves within the pages of our books. When we weren’t reading, my brother and I ventured out and made our own fun. We’d climb trees, build tree houses and our own go-karts (Sorry Mum, for desecrating all your chairs and sorry Dad for using up your tools) and at night before we slept, my brother and I would invent stories about what will happen to us in a few years and where we will be and let me tell you, we dreamed. Even though we had limited resources and we were so far away from people our age, we made our own fun, our own worlds and we did anything we wanted to because we believed we could. There was no one we could compare ourselves to, and no one to tell us we couldn’t do anything (Except my parents telling us not to waste tools haha). We drew crazy comics, cut up magazines and made funny collages and one occasion, my brother almost burned the house messing around with chemicals. We thought we could heal animals and insects (we injected one dying insect with water, yikes!). Years later, we still live in the same place and I want to thank my parents for moving us there. Even though our social skills are often times questionable, our imagination is not. I still dream, and I’m on my way to achieving ALL of those dreams, and perhaps, better.

So I challenge you to dream. Do you have a dream? What it is? Dream better than that and by all means, chase it with everything you have! To quote a line from the movie Inception, “You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bit bigger, darling.” So dream, however crazy. Do not allow anyone to tell you that your dream is out of reach. But please don’t forget one core element to dreaming; believing in yourself.

When you want something to happen and to happen NOW

Patience grasshopper. Yes, that's my answer to you...and I. See, I am guilty of being impatient most times. I'm usually patient when it comes to other people but when it comes to myself, my patience is thin.

You see, I have goals, and I want to achieve those goals NOW. I have a hundred and one things I want to achieve, to complete as soon as possible, today, now. Maybe it's because I'm aware of my own mortality. Life is short indeed, and I want to do as much as possible in the little time I have left, depending on my state of mind because yes, sometimes I believe life is too long. When you get inspired by someone, you also want to be where they are and you forget that it took the time to there, but even then you think, "time is something I do not have much of." Then comes the frustration that comes with trying to do everything all at once.

"I can't do it. It's too much. I do not have the talent or the adequate resources to do this." Sounds familiar? To me it does. That's the doubting that comes after the frustration. It's your saving grace. You learn to take a step back, to breathe and to take one step at a time. Isn't it better to carry things one by one through a door, rather than to burden yourself with a hundred and one items on yourself, more than you can carry and try to bring all of them through a door? When you try to attempt the latter, a lot of things will break, some will fall and not all of them will go through the door. But when you attempt the former, chances are whatever you are carrying will make it through the door in one piece, and you won't feel over-burdened and you will arrive refreshed.

I hope you understand the above reasoning. This is what I think about when I try to try and reach all of my goals at once. It doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist and my own worst critic. I put off things until I have all the materials I need to begin work on them, until the time is right.Yesterday I realised that because we don't know what they future holds for us, we never really a know the 'right time' except when we reach that moment of time and we tell ourselves, "it has happened at the right time." When I was being impatient, I told myself to take a step back and to work on whatever I can at the time, a little at a time. It does make all the different because at least you make some leeway and it's one step closer to achieving your goal.

Some destinations are longer than a jump, some you have to reach by putting each foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Be patient. Your desire to have things happen NOW will be the motivation you need to achieve your goals and you will. When the time is right.


-Bella

Commune Living

Hello you,

Up to a few months ago if you had told me that I would be living in commune, I would have looked at you for a few moments then burst out laughing and in the process, depending on whether I'm drinking one, I would have spat out my iced smoothie at you. Funny thing, you think you wouldn't do something after time passes, you find yourself doing it anyway.

When I got word that I've been hired at my job, the process began to find a place to live within walking distance to my work building. I spent weeks, spent a lot of airtime and data searching and calling places around the area, places I could afford on my tiny salary. I shortlisted a couple of places and sent my sister to check them out. She did, some where a no-no, some were okay, some were occupied (dammit,at least take down the advertisement) and there was one great studio apartment but the rent was a little steep and I couldn't have been able to afford it unless I had help from the parents but I was adamant to make it on my own so I turned it down, even when the landlord told me it's mine if I wanted it. It was nearing time for me to start my first day at work and I still hadn't found work! Luckily, my mother mentioned my predicament to her colleague and she said she'd ask her daughter about any available places because her daughter went to the University around there and would you know it, the daughter told my mother that yes, she knows of an available room in a commune because her friend stays there.

A commune! Me!? It wasn't even an all-girls residence.Well, I had no choice and it was available so I took it. The house is huge and upon moving in, I liked my room. It has a large bay window overlooking the grounds below and I knew it'd be perfect for painting in. Natural light, hello? There is even enough room for me to dance around in, which I do, everyday. Haha. I was happy. There was just one problem, if you could call it that. I am shy and socially awkward when meeting new people and I did not know all my housemates (I still don't know all of them, 3 months later. There are more than 8 of us and I only know the names of 3). I knew my caretaker, who I think is a university graduate. Most of the people staying there are either Varsity students or young working people, including me. The weekend after I moved in, my caretaker told me there'd be a braai (barbeque) on Sunday and that I must come down and show my face. I reluctantly said I will. Later on that Sunday I was watching a movie on my computer and I kept hearing loud voices, I looked out of my window and saw a LOT of people assembled in the garden below. Yikers. Coincidentally a message came on my phone. It was the caretaker. Come down. I did. I slowly went downstairs and with confidence, walked out into the garden where I got a lot of stares from all the people who were invited! How nerve-wrecking. I didn't see the caretaker around or the friend of my mother's colleague's daughter (fun fact: she's from my hometown and we attended the same high school) who were basically the only two people I knew there. A girl who lived in the house gestured to me to come and sit on the ottoman near her. She was talking with some guy and they both had alcohol in their hands. I nervously went over to sit. I had to make an effort to socialise with this people and to show that hey, I'm not so socially awkward after all! I shook hands with the guy and we bot introduced ourselves, they had a conversation that I missed most of and I got chilly after a little while so I excused myself, telling them I'm going to get a jacket. I never returned.

I'm used to most of them today though. Whenever I'm not being a hermit and locking myself in my room, I talk to them for lengthy amounts of time. The kitchen acts as the house common room where we would meet and just chat about anything and everything. Like yesterday for example, I walked into the kitchen to find three of them talking animatedly and I joined them, partaking in hilarious conversations about dating, family, work and all sorts of things. I talked to them for more than two hours but then I had to excuse myself because I was getting tired, it was getting late and I wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 2. Didn't end up watching it though. It's not that I wanted to escape them, but whereas I can talk a lot, sometimes I just want to be silent and bask in silence and I wasn't going to get much silence if I had stayed in the kitchen as they kept asking me my thoughts on stuff. They are all good, lovely people who make me laugh, even if I don't know some of their names.

That's not to say commune living is without its cons; we have to share a kitchen, 2 bathrooms (some rooms have their own en-suite bathrooms and sadly mine isn't) and a toilet so there are a lot of weird encounters and frustrating events. Since most of the people who live here are guys, I had to experience many a dash from the shower to my room with just a towel protecting me in front of the guys and their friends! I also had plenty of 'no hot water' vexes which were especially unfortunate on cold winter Fridays. These were the days where I could be found shivering with a pissed off expression on my face. Geez guys! Inconsiderate much? Which led to me waking up earlier than usual to be the first one to shower. There were also a bunch of embarrassing moments, and awkward moments, once when I went into the kitchen and it was full of men! I got afraid that I might perhaps be the only girl in the entire house as I knew that 3 of the girls were away on holiday. One embarrassing moment was where a group of the guys were talking outside my door on the landing when I went out to use the toilet and one hurriedly belted up his pants (dude, how do you exit the toilet without securing your pants first?) and I had to walk through them towards the open toilet door where I found a guy peeing with his pants down. *sigh* A little warning guys, maybe? And close the door for my eyesight's sake! And people say girls go to the bathrooms in groups. Guys do it too!  I also had to content with pee on the toilet seats numerous times, which is the WORST of all atrocities.

 I have accepted long ago that commune living isn't for me but hey, at least I'm surviving this experience by keeping to myself 80% of the time and avoiding the common areas as much as I could. Three more months to go! Seriously, this house is like a Big Brother house. We even had to gym together (thankfully this was abandoned a couple of weeks in *airpunch*). If you have had an awkward living situation of any type, don't be afraid to comment. I would love to read your comments!

P.S Sorry for the long post yet again!

-Bella

On the Jurassic Park set

Hello there,

Many years ago when I was in Grade 5, one of my teachers showed us a movie. That movie was called Jurassic Park and I fell in love with dinosaurs. Well, you know what I mean. They got my interest; I thought that dinosaurs were marvelous creatures! When the opportunity arose to win tickets to the Days of The Dinosaur exhibition, I entered and crossed my thumbs. I only had to answer a question about what my favorite dinosaur is. I have a handful of favorites but I chose a Velociraptor. Majestic creatures for their small size. (I watch Primeval too haha), a few days later I received mail that I was one of the ticket winners. Yay!

So on Saturday I dragged my reluctant sister to the exhibition. She’s not really a fan of dinosaurs but she had to drive me there anyway and I told her that we HAD to take photos and videos for my nephews who would have loved to be there so away we went. I was so excited that I had a silly grin on my face and my eyes were wide, and wider they got with wonder. I have to applaud the organizers of the event here. Once you went through the doors, it was like you were transported to a whole other world. I imagined I was on the set of Jurassic Park, and it felt great! It was dark and the only light came from the special effects lighting. How awesome!?

So there I was, armed with two phones for simultaneous video and photo taking, looking everywhere and anywhere with glee. We saw fossils, dinosaur bones and mock-up of an excavation pit with life-size dinosaur bones in the sand. The exhibition was set up in such a way that you followed a winding path and as you walked down it, you were able to see dinosaurs on your right and left. The dinosaurs were all life sized and they were all animated. I didn’t expect this at all and as I was taking a video of the one dinosaur, it suddenly moved its head and tail and I got such a fright! Another thing, there were also sound effects of the dinosaurs’ (loud) roaring and groaning so imagine my delight. Onwards we went, with my sister asking me how they balanced and walked. I told her they walked like chickens. I will not tell you every dinosaur we saw because there were many and I doubt I remember all of their names at this point, just know that I wished I had most as pets. What? Some were cute!

A little way ahead, we came to the exhibition of the dangerous dinos and I got even more excited knowing I will be seeing T-Rexes soon. And see them I did. Let me tell you; they were terrifying. Absolutely horrifying. Just look at this one:

Murderous T-Rex

Now imagine an animated dinosaur, its head swinging around to look at you and opening it’s huge mouth, coupled with the loudest roar of all the dinosaurs. I felt like prey and the more I looked at it, the more scared I got. I may or may have not teared up. My sister laughed at me and even tweeted about it. She also asked me a lot of questions about how dinosaurs with tiny arms got up when they fell. There was one brave toddler who was just standing there, staring at one with the most fixed and wondrous expression on his face. Dauntless that one, I tell you.

A little way after the T-rex exhibition, I was getting antsy to see my Velicoraptors and we came across the Brachiosaurus! Who remembers these plant eating ‘giraffe’ dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? I loved them in the movie and I was so excited to see one exhibited that I kept shaking my sister and pointing that “I lurrrve them!” One passing woman looked at me in amusement. It was life-sized so it was VERY tall; I tried but couldn’t fit its whole body into a photo. That’s how tall it was. My sister called it the Shaquille O’Neal of dinosaurs. Good thing I took a video.

After the Brachiosaurus, I kept looking around for the Velicoraptor and I found it! The little guy wasn’t standing like the other dinosaurs, but was lying on its side, two legs flailing and its head swaying, mouth opening and closing. I pointed it out to my sister. Turning from the raptor, there was a scene in the middle of the room. A T-Rex was standing over a wounded Triceratops which was laying on its side, teeth marks on its belly and it was breathing. Something seemed familiar about that particular scene it clicked! The scene was from Jurassic Park! They had recreated it! I jumped up in joy (I’m not ashamed to admit this by the way) and I went around the exhibition to get a closer look. Looking at the wounded Triceratops breathing in agony (sound effects ya’ll) I felt sorry for it. I knew it wasn’t real but I wanted to climb over the lines and give it a hug. It was even more saddening because that was what happened to them during the Jurassic period. My sister said she felt sorry for the Triceratops “which had to suffer the ignominy of having its fossils found with T-rex bite marks.”

After that scene, we had reached the end of the exhibition. There was an area reserved for (kids’) fun with a photo area where you could take photos standing next to a dinosaur. It was packed so my sister and I made our way out. Since it was my treat, I asked her if she enjoyed it. She replied, “I enjoyed laughing a lot.”

Needless to say, I had quite a great time seeing all the dinosaurs; I had never quite realized how enormous and how tiny some of them were. I’m sorry for this terribly long post but I just had to blog about it all! The exhibition has moved to Cape Town now so if you live in that area, do check it out! You won’t regret it and hurry because tickets sell out fast!

ROAAAR.

Would you run?

 P.S Sorry for the poor, grainy photos. I took those ones with my 3 year old Blackberry 8520 which I use for everything and the picture quality isn't really great. Will update this post with the photos I took with my sister's far better phone.

To the comments section!!

Hello you,

I've got a confession to make; my name is Bella and I really love (am addicted? Obsessed?) with the comments section. It dawned on me when I sent my sister a link to Jim Beaver's Facebook page update and the comments from that post. She remarked, "you really love reading comments don't you?" and I realised, YES! Yes, I do.

Watching a YouTube video? I'd pause it halfway and scroll down to the comments, reading pages and pages of them.
Reading an interesting Facebook status update? Yep, let me see what people have to say about this.
On 9gag or Memecenter? Hmm...Interesting post, wonder what people are saying. And on and on and on.

I guess I'm really interested in people's thoughts and opinions given a particular subject. It's like a study of human psychology. But let me tell you, I have come across the meanest and vilest of comments and some vastly ignorant ones that make me want to take my keyboard and slam is repeatedly on my forehead. 'Really? So you think this, because that and it's not even what she/he meant! Now you're just being idiotic about this!' My thoughts regarding what I happen across the comments section is varied. Do I comment my own thoughts? Rarely. I prefer to be an observer (which is not as strange to me in realistic situations as I'm known to sit and observe people).

9gag and Memecenter have by far the funniest comments (I couldn't expect less from humor websites) and this is why I never fail to click into the comments section of a particular post if it gets my attention enough. However, you need to proceed with care. Some posts unveil what people call a 'comments shitstorm'. That's the comments when a subject is either religious or political (no go areas people!) and if you happen across one, it's only understandable to sit back and grab a bag/box/packet of popcorn and marvel at the sheer ridiculousness of what the people are saying.

Yum. Popcorn. I really, really, really love popcorn by the way. So one day if you are on your favorite website, go on to the comments section and read for a little while. It's entertaining, I promise.

-Til next week! If you've read this please leave a comment below, it'd be awesome to read comments, even if it's just  single one. ;)

Day out with the ladies!

Hello you,

Last weekend (not this past weekend) I took a train ride into Pretoria to meet up with my college girl friends. It had been a long time since I last saw them -8 months to be exact!- with the exception of seeing one at graduation so we were pretty excited to see each other. While planning the day we each made suggestions to what we could do and I suggested wine and sushi. To be entirely honest, I have always wanted to do the wine and sushi thing with a group of my closest and dearest but whenever I'd suggest it, it didn't work out so I was ELATED when my friends decided to go with my idea.

I should explain that I don't have much of a social life. I spend all of my time that isn't spent at work alone in my room. I do not interact with my housemates much except for the occasional small talk. It does get lonely and sometimes (okay most times) I miss the sound of my own voice (I can't exactly talk out loud to myself in a house full of people now can I?) and the sound of other peoples' carefree voices. So on that sunny but chilly Saturday, I met up with my friends and it was like no time had passed without us seeing each other at all! It was great and most of all, we talked and we laughed...all day! It was liberating and I felt like I could fly! This is why we need friends in our lives, we need people who will always be there, people who bring out the best in you and people who make you feel like you matter.

I didn't want the day to end and so we continued to laugh and catch up in each others lives. I for one, am very proud of my friends and how far they've come. I can still remember the day I met them, four years ago! They made me miss college all over again, they are just such lovely young women.

When I got back from Pretoria I had an itchy throat that I didn't pa much mind to but the next morning I was sick! Which is where I was instead of blogging; sick and miserable. I got worse on Thursday and had to leave work 2 hours early to get meds and rest. I even had to miss work on Friday! I don't like missing work and I also didn't like missing school either haha! Weird I know, but I just don't like it. Boohoo :( It actually felt like my body was punishing me for attempting to have a social life.

Today I am much, much better and I wanted to post a little something for whoever may happen across my blog (hello!).

:)

Embarrassing Friday

Hello there,

It's been almost a month since my last post and I have changed my blog name as well (hope it's for the last time). I've been so busy with work, making decisions, putting plans for future projects in motion and it was/is an overwhelming time for me. Times like this, you get reminded that you should take one step at a time. 

Anyway, I had to write about what happened to me on Friday June 27th; it became what I dubbed 'Embarrassing Friday'. Now, I have had a lot of embarrassing moments that when they happen I just cringe for one second - (ok fine, one minute) then I smile, move on and maybe write about it. I however, have never had a series of embarrassing moments happen to me, in a single day (another Lemony Snicket book?). So sit back, relax and read on. Feel free to have second-hand embarrassment on my behalf.

On that Friday morning, I received a notification that someone had deposited money into my account. I did not know who, I was just given the sender’s phone number as reference. I wasn’t really expecting money that day so I shrugged it off, thinking maybe the couple I’m designing wedding invitations for paid their deposit or that whoever it is will let me know that they have sent me money.

I was right, it was the latter. I received a phone calls that I did not answer then a frantic text from someone who said the money was his/hers and that the sender accidentally deposited it into my account. Seriously, guys? You’d think a person would double check the information before deciding to send money (we have almost identical cellphone numbers so it was a mistake of a swapped digit). 

Naturally, I had to return the poor person’s money so during my lunch break I left work to go to the bank. While passing the reception area, I saw someone I knew sitting on one of the couches so I gave him a huge smile and a cheery wave á la Bella. He looked at me like:

…then he hesitantly lifted his hand a bit and waved back. At this point I squinted my eyes to get a better look at him and…it didn’t know that person! How awkward. To be quite honest, I need glasses. My glasses were stolen last year and I haven’t had the chance to replace them, choosing instead to fool myself into thinking my eyesight had miraculously recovered.

Now at the bank, I withdrew money and stood in line to deposit it back. I could have done an internet transfer but I didn’t know these people, so I opted for an incognito direct deposit. A nice lady who works there came to me while I was in the queue and said, “Do you know that the top you’re wearing is a pyjama top right?” *cringe* I smiled at her, laughed and said, “Yes, I know haha!” “I was just making sure”, she said, “because I have the exact same thing.” *sigh*

Look, when I bought that sweatshirt, I was aware that it was a pyjama because it was the pyjama and underwear area of the store. It was a sweatshirt, grey and had a print of an owl on it. It screamed, “Bella, you gotta buy me!” It was basically 3 of my favorite stuff in one item. So, I bought it. I strongly believed I could pass it as a normal sweatshirt. It looks almost identical to this Topman sweatshirt:

How good looking?

So yeah, I go to work in a pyjama top that I pass as a normal sweatshirt. It doesn’t even show that it’s pyjama top and I like it so wear it in public I will. And another thing about me is that I do not really care what people think (which more often than not puts me in the ‘weirdo’ category because of the things I do, eh).

I tend to talk too much so I’m going to have to cut this short but it was really an Embarrassing Friday. Now I can laugh it off and look back upon it with fond memories. But to think all this was because of the person who inconvenienced me because he/she accidentally sent money into my account. Smh.

Thanks for reading! So long, until next week! …or maybe sooner than that. ;)

P.S If you liked this post feel free to share it among your friends and other people so they can giggle at my embarrassing moments.