Hello reader,

Last week was tumultuous for me. It started with me getting excited for Monday, as always (This is completely normal for me). Then throughout the day I started feeling like I was suffocating and this continued on into the next day…and the next. For the first time since I started working, I didn’t want to get up in the morning and I was tired during the day, opting to sleep early at night. I'd wake up, after snoozing my alarm for as long as I could, go to work, come back and watch copious amounts of Breaking Bad (which is more a comedy than a drama because there was so much laughter and chuckles from my side) before bed. I forced myself to pause and acknowledge the problem at hand and well, would you have it. It wasn’t difficult to ascertain what was going on.

Change. It’s exciting and often scary and right now I’m experiencing a lot of it. This week marks my last week working here since my internship is ending which means I’ll officially be unemployed and I’m going to have to move back home. Because of this, I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to find a new job. Jobs are scarce, what are you going to do? Just sit at home? The truth is, I know exactly what I want to do but it’s hard to find support when no one really understands what you want to do and why. Despite all this, I feel so thankful of the opportunity I received to work here. I have worked alongside some the country’s most revered journalists and I have learnt so much…I have also learnt that I do not want to do this for the rest of my life.

I am an artist. I express myself using creative visual means. It’s just who I am, it’s who I’ve been since birth, to be quite honest. I want to create the art that I want to do, I want to tell stories. There’ve been times when I wouldn’t draw, or do an illustration for a long period of time. I haven’t really used my camera for more than 6 months and that is really terrible. You stop doing something you really love for quite some time and you feel like you're merely existing.

And so because of all this, I decided to pursue my dreams, do I what I want to and how I want to. Perhaps I’m asking for too much, especially in this economy but all I know is that I’d rather wake up in the morning to do what I love and give it a hundred percent than be unhappy doing something I really do not want to do out of necessity. So for now an office job is out of the picture. I’m choosing instead to follow my dreams and to work as hard as I am able to, to make every one of them a reality.

This is really scary for me because it means I have no security whatsoever but I am determined to go through with it. After all, I didn’t scrawl all these ideas in my notebook to look back at them 5 years, 10 years from now and say to myself, “I wish I had the guts to at least try and implement these ideas.”

This past weekend I assessed my options and I saw that it’s not necessary for me to go straight into a stable job because I’m young. I do not have a family to provide for and this is the liberty I need for me to go ahead and do my own thing, regardless of how scary it gets.

I am really excited to create again and I really don’t mind moving back home, this just means I’ll have people to test my culinary skills on because goodness gracious, I’m itching to cook and bake again and to just have the whole entire kitchen to myself. I’m excited to pick up my pencils and paint brushes and get to work. I’m excited to pick up my camera and take some excellent shots. I’m excited to just throw myself headfirst into creating and to feel alive. I’m excited to be my own boss and to see my business ventures take off. I also am excited to write even more, and to try new things such as filmmaking. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

I am now going to welcome each and any kind of change that reveals itself in my life because I know it’s on to bigger and better things. After all, your life is a book and there are different chapters; chapters end and a new one begins.

Let me know if you’ve ever been scared of change and how you dealt with it!

‘Til next time,

-Bella

Pageant diary- Sunday 12th October

Hello reader,

On Sunday I was woken up at exactly 7.16am (way before my 8am alarm) by Beauty, who I was surprised to see since we didn’t come back with her but I later learned she came back with her f

amily. I laid awake for a few minutes in bed, on my phone and trying to make sense of the previous night.

I got up, showered and had breakfast then packed the rest of my things. I think I accidentally packed a spontaneous sock because one left its partner to join the circus or maybe it was kidnapped by a sock goblin. I’m now left with one lone black sock. I spent the morning chatting a bit with Beauty whose family had left earlier (they lived in different places) while I told Narda that I needed to leave before 10am. Beauty and Elzane were to be dropped at the airport later in the afternoon but I decided to leave earlier than them so I could do my laundry. Gert kindly drove me to the train station and there I took the train back to Joburg where my sister picked me up and dropped me off at my place.

I didn’t say much to my sister during the drive back and she said she could clearly see that I was disappointed. I may have been disappointed but that wasn’t why I was quite haha. I was exhausted and a lot of thoughts were running through my mind.

When I was finally alone I again tried to make sense of my feelings about the whole thing. The aftermath. I’m going to be strictly honest and say that I wasn’t completely happy with the way things were conducted. The first pageant I entered was ten times better than this one because ALL the finalists felt like winners and everything was so amazingly organised and planned. We all went home with a lot of prizes from sponsors and Manda Gomes, Mrs Africa even gave all of us crowns just for being finalists. Everyone was happy. It did break my heart seeing the disappointed faces of the other finalists. I know that this was a competition and we couldn’t have all won and many of us were going to be left disappointed. I do know that the pageant didn’t have a lot of sponsors this year (seriously business owners, this pageant needs more sponsors!)  which explains the lack of prizes for everyone (Narda herself gave everyone little gifts and I’m grateful to her for that) but I believe it could have been better conducted in terms of preparation.

Also, there was the question of the venue, its location and the judges. All I can say is that I felt like there was a lot of racial bias, even if it was unintentional as there wasn’t enough diversity on the judging panel and I wasn’t the only one who noticed this. Perhaps (and hopefully) next year’s pageant will be much better.

Overall, I don’t think it needs to be said but pageants are hard. Extremely hard…and they are ruthless on your self-esteem. You need to have confidence in yourself to enter a pageant because sometimes you get knocked down. I left the pageant feeling terribly inadequate. “Am I ugly? Was it my belly button? Or the unseen lipstick on my teeth? Or just my teeth in general? (I have a little bit of an open bite) Is it because I didn’t walk well?” and the worst one I asked myself, “was it because I’m black?” That honestly was really absurd and I mentally scolded myself for thinking that.

Yes, I wasn’t in the Top 5, I didn’t win. That was disappointing but if anything, it’s because the other girls were better. I, and the other girls who didn’t win, just weren’t what the judges were looking for. I have no doubt every one gave their best. There is nothing wrong with me and I’m glad I wore that bikini and smiled my best smile because I own my insecurities now. I’m not even quite sure they are insecurities anymore; they are more things that set me apart from ‘normal’ mold.

With all that being said, I’m extremely happy for Elzane, she’ll do great things with that crown and I’m happy for Christi and Elrie, both very awesome people and I hope that they too will get a chance to make a difference. I’m also so thankful to whoever voted for me to win Miss Personality. I’ve only known those girls for a week and I felt like we had created a sistahood bond and to be chosen as the best personality out of all of them is a bit unbelievable even today because I meant it when I said they are all awesome people, I really love them. The very first time I met them, from meeting Marisa and Beauty at the airport to meeting Chanika, Christi, Chanel and Coleen at the hostel I had thought to myself, “no way, these girls are all really beautiful. Wow, how is this fair!?” That’s part of what went through my head when I was so quiet haha; internal monologues with myself. It was great meeting everyone and seeing people like Lefa, Lauren and Leviena (wow, even more alliterating names) who I last saw 3 years ago and I left knowing that there are still people who are beautiful inside and out and with an increased sign language vocabulary. I can now have a whole conversation using basic sign language and I’ll forever be grateful to the girls for teaching me. Can’t wait to pay it forward and teach my family and friends!

The question remains; will I enter again next year? I have no idea. Some of the girls asked me to return and I’m not sure whether I will. I enjoyed the whole complete experience of being around them for a week and I’d sure love to see them again. However, the primary reason I entered Miss Deaf SA was so that I could have a platform to really make a change. I’ve a lot of things I want to say and I’ve a lot of things I want to do. That was really my first and only motivation of entering in the first place. I’ve constantly struggled with having people take me seriously or listen to my ideas my whole entire life. I had a youth initiative charity that I had last year which didn’t end up working out because of this very thing. I’ll keep on trying though; it’s a great passion of mine to be able to do something for others. I’ll just do whatever I can by myself. Little things go a long way after and I’ve got SO many ideas that I will tell you guys about. I might even try and make a change through this blog. Pageants are hard, as I said. Perhaps, even harder for me. I mean, I live in combat boots; I don’t really wear make-up and my idea of ‘pretty, beautiful things’ is nature and art –which I can just sit and look at for hours. I now see that I really do not have what it takes to be a beauty queen. Life is amazing in its unpredictability and the ability to surprise you. Everyone can make a change; you don’t have to be ‘important’ to be heard. God knows what He’s doing; don’t judge a twist or turn before you see what lies ahead.

This is the end of the pageant diaries. From Monday it’s back to regular programming. Thank you for being on this ride with me and for reading my blog. Have you ever entered a pageant before? What was it like? Let me know in the comments!

‘Til next time

-Bella

Pageant diary- Saturday 11th October

Hello reader,

Saturday. The big day. The day of reckoning. Every one of us was up bright and early. We packed our bags with all the things we’d need for the day/night and a lot of girls packed their bags to leave…forever. *muffled sob* I knew this day would come but I also wouldn’t have minded spending yet another week with the girls because every single one of them are super amazing. Just beautiful souls.

We had breakfast then left for the venue, the talent show was up first. When we arrived at the venue it was still in its early stages of preparation and the MC, Adriaan, was even helping to set up the stage. We put on our talent clothes and they called us individually to perform, with Marisa and one kindly man whose name I didn’t quite catch judging us. There were going to choose the Top 5 talents who would perform at the show later that night, then the rest of the judges would choose one winner. I did my hip-hop dancing to Beyonce’s Upgrade You (I worked so hard for a whole month on it, practicing day and night and I’m rather proud of myself for that) and the others performed their various talents! What's funny is that I had initially decided to perform a very rad poem I had written months back for the talent and my sister suggested dancing instead so that I could accommodate both the deaf and hearing audience.

Megan, Alexis and I striking a pose in our talent outfits. My boobs aren't that big and that's a loose crop top soo...

After dancing we had a bit of lunch and were shown around to our dressing room which was so very tiny we all wondered how we were going to move around. Seriously, twelve of us in a room the size of a guest toilet! We waited for the modeling teacher who was to teach us our ramp walks (finally) and the make-up artists and the hairstylists who were supposed to pitch at about 4pm. While waiting, we met the DTV (local deaf TV programme) crew and the presenter Candice, who were going to interview us later. We also met the last year’s previous winner Lefa, who I competed with back in 2011 and who wouldn’t stop pinching my cheeks, then they left. It was a long wait (some people were even napping on the couch!) but the modeling teacher, Bianca arrived at last and showed us how to do the various walks for the swimsuit, cocktail dress and evening dress sections respectfully. The walks were so complicated and we didn’t have a lot of time (after all we only had a few hours to showtime) and I worried we wouldn’t nail them before time. As you can probably tell, I did a lot of worrying. We had a lot of fun backstage though, the DJ was playing random music and Lorde’s Royals came on and naturally Megan and I jammed to it.

*deep breathes* They are going to kill me but... from left: Coleen, Chanel, Christi and Chanika. *hires bodyguard*

As we took to the ramp, some of the girls were called to have their hair done at a hair salon within walking distance of the venue. We walked, walked, and did more walking in our heels, trying really hard to nail the routines as people were busy around us shifting tables for the night. The make-up artists arrived and started doing make-up some of the girls who had come back from having their hair done and then after that, the girls had their interview with DTV. Soon the rest of us ran over to the salon to have our hair done and yet again, I worried whether the hairstylists would know what to do with my hair as it was in twists and that isn’t something they specialised in. We waited for a hairstylist to be free. Alexis, who was the first to be called to have her hair done was still busy curling it which meant she missed all the walk routine practice and had to hurry the moment she was done. Time was ticking and Elzane and I still had to do our make-up! Not to worry though, soon every one’s hair was done but since mine is long and blah blah blah what I mentioned above, I was the last to leave but I was given a good luck hug from the very fabulous hairstylist. Seriously, that woman embodied fabulousness. She could have as well been a model herself. I hurried back to the venue to have my make-up applied then very soon after, DTV interviewed me. Whew, I’m still beating myself up over that interview as I jumbled up my answer. The first question was ‘what makes you unique’ and I spewed a lot of nonsense that I’m still shocked came out of my mouth. Bella!  *chastised self* The next two questions (‘which past winner do you like best?’ and ‘what advice would you give to deaf children?’) were okay but my answer to the first question will haunt me as long as I live. It’ll be one of those moments you randomly remember years later then cringe. When the interview is aired I’ll be covering my eyes.

Hair done, make-up done. It was almost showtime (the show was to start at 7pm) and we hurried to get dressed in our swimsuits (the first segment of the night). I got dressed in a pink bikini and I really applaud myself for deciding to wear a bikini instead of a one-piece swimsuit since I have a large belly button due to an external hernia and it had been an object of insecurity as long as I can remember.  When I was younger, it was much, much bigger but as I grew up it got a little bit smaller but it was still considerably larger than ‘outie’ belly buttons. The girls had various reactions to it and I didn’t really care, some of the reactions were amusing to be honest. The swimsuit section wasn’t very looked forward to by most of the girls because we weren’t all skinny and yes there’d be cellulite, stretch marks and not all of us had taut, flat tummies and we were going to parade on stage in swimsuits!  How gallant!

Xolisile, Beyoncé me and Megan

  

Elrie, Me, Christi and Coleen. Cocktail dress selfies!

Lefa (Miss Deaf SA 2013) and I

Bad lighting + crappy phone camera = selfie

We waited in bated breath as we waited for the show to begin and soon it was showtime! We each walked individually. I wasn’t really nervous as I’ve done it before but what got my hands shaking was the pressure to be perfect. I was 11^th and when I walked the ramp, the venue was packed. Smile, shoulders back, walk, eye contact with the judges. Then it was back to quickly change into our cocktail dresses. I was planning to wear my red and black cocktail dress but I had forgotten the satin belt that went with it back at the hostel (cue a lot of mental slaps) and the dress didn’t really go well without its belt. Luckily I had packed a turquoise bodycon dress (the same one I wore on Monday to dinner) and I quickly donned that one. While we were changing there were people performing and singing but we didn’t see any of them from backstage. We also had to wait for a little while to come back out but out we went. Individual walks. Smile, shoulders back, walk, eye contact with the judges. Back in then back out to stand on stage as a group as we were handed roses and then we did a group walk, then back into the dressing room. While in the dressing room, I looked in the mirror and my eyes widened in horror! I had red lipstick on my teeth and I was out there smiling widely at the judges and the audience. I was mortified!

We took off our cocktail dresses and put on our talent clothes as we waited for the top 5 to be announced:  Elrie (flute), Chanika (modern dance), Elzane (poetry dance), Megan (poetry) and Xolisile (Venda dance). Sadly I wasn’t chosen (it was Beyoncé for goodness sake! I thought that was fool proof! Haha!) The top 5 performed as the rest of us changed into our evening dresses. After the talent section was over we waited quite a bit to be called out again. It was a looong wait which is why I was able to take photos in our dresses backstage. And we were starving! It was nearing 10pm and we hadn’t eaten a thing!

We waited and waited as we tried to make out what Adriaan was saying and I began to get nervous. This was it. Soon we were called out again and we had to walk individually, this time really slowly and ethereally. I had underestimated the ability to walk in my dress; it was quite long and I kept stepping on it, so I had to pull it up as I walked as I didn’t want to accidentally rip it. That was a shame; I concentrated too much on not tripping that I didn’t focus more on eye contact with the audience and judges. Fun fact: when walking the ramp, you are not supposed to look down, you’re supposed to keep your head up and look straight ahead. Back backstage, nerves were wrought. Most of us had forgetter the correct walking routines that we just winged it, which was okay as Bianca suggested that in case we forgot and people were not smiling. “I almost fell!”, “I forgot my walk!”, “that wasn’t good.” Not to add in how tired we were of smiling. Smiling so widely is really hard especially if you’re nervous. The corners of your mouth start twitching really horribly (you look like you’re being electrocuted), your facial muscles hurt and your mouth becomes dry. If you’ve never been in a pageant before, now you know what smiling is like. It’s not great.

After the last of us walked (Xolisile was after me), we passed around good lucks, as we remembered that actually, this is a competition and we were competing against each other. We waited, not talking or smiling as I said a prayer after a prayer. I knew who was the most likely to win, if I don’t haha (I was right, it seems). Adriaan then announced that he was about to announce the Top 5 and the nerves flared up. The tension in the room was palpable but luckily we didn’t have to wait longer. The top 5 were announced as they left the dressing room to stand on stage. At first I was confused, is this Top 5 for the talent section? Because they called everyone in the talent Top 5…at least it seemed so until I realized Christi was called instead of Chanika. I looked up at Alexis’ sister (who basically acted as a moderator for us, telling us when it’s time to go on stage or what’s happening out there). She told us that it was over and I remember the feeling of that moment; my heart fell and as I looked around the room at the remaining girls, their faces were painted a vivid colour of disappointment. This was it. It was over.

I still wanted to know who got crowned which title and since I couldn’t see, Chanel, who was at the door, relayed to us what was happening. Elzane got crowned Best Talent, Christi got crowned Miss Photogenic. Elrie got crowned 2^nd Princess and Christi 1^st Princess. Elzane then got crowned the current Miss Deaf SA 2014. (darn it, why didn’t I take bets because she’s who I thought would take the crown). Now, I don’t know whether that was before she got crowned or after but my name was called for… Miss Personality. I remember being very shocked and so grateful at the same time. I didn’t expect to win Miss Personality, especially since I was so shy and quiet during the first days. I was told to walk down the ramp which I did so ungracefully of course, because I kept stepping on my dress.

Walking the ramp

I went back into the dressing room to shout profuse thank yous to whoever voted for me and at that point I teared up. I’m still shocked because now I have two Miss Personality titles from this year and 2011. I was told to go back on stage to pose for photos and this is when things weren’t really good. The stage catwalk was small and only fit three people (guess who) whose pictures were being taken and it was just so awkward for me standing behind them, poking my head up here and there like a photobomber. No one tried to accommodate me to fit for the photos so I just went in the dressing room and took off my evening dress and putting on casual clothes. I packed everything and waited for everyone to finish taking photos. This is why I have no photos of myself wearing my crown and sash with my evening dress. 

And the winner is...

1st Princess, Christi!

Blurry selfie with the reigning queen (my phone sucks).

I soon said good-bye to some of the girls who were leaving the same night and it felt really somber as the rest of the girls were visibly sad and disappointed and some left so quickly I didn’t get time to say a proper goodbye. I went back out to the stage to say hello to some of the girls’ families who were just really lovely people as well.  Since the venue was a night club (did I forget to mention that?) tables were being quickly removed to leave the floor bare and people were dancing on the floor. I went out to the dance floor to dance with the hairdresser (who clapped and whooed for me) but it was a bit awkward so I left it just as soon as I started dancing haha. I hugged people, told them I’ll communicate with them on Facebook.  On the dancefloor I saw Lauren (who I participated with in 2011) and we exchanged greetings, she looked lovely! I wish I had taken a picture with her. Since I was to go back to the hostel with Narda and Elzane, I waited for them to finish. We went outside to the parking lot and put our bags in Narda’s car. There were a group of people just standing around chatting including Marisa, Adriaan, Christi, Alexis and her sister and Elzane and I joined them. I got a bit bored after that (and it was a cold night, I was shivering!) and sat on the curb, deciding to be a bit anti-social while I texted my family and my friend about who won. The cold got to me and I told Narda that I was freezing and she said I could wait in her car. That was so welcome! Soon after this we left for the hostel, stopping on the way to get some KFC as we were starving and hadn’t eaten anything.

It was almost 2am when we arrived and I finished packing my bags so I wouldn’t forget anything the next day when I was due to leave (but I forgot a limited edition coin there that is probably worth something smh). I said my goodnights to Elzane and clambered into bed, exhausted. Sleep took me under soon after.

Stay tuned for Sunday’s diary!

‘Til next time

-Bella

Pageant diary- Friday 10th October

Hello reader,

Oh why can’t I remember what happened on Friday? Did we go out drinking or something? Haha! I’m kidding! I don’t remember much but I remember enough… I think.

On Friday nothing much happened. Early in the morning we had yoga (my suggestion) as a group work-out and wow, it was so challenging. Marisa really pushes people to their limits in terms of exercise. I'm pretty sure I almost tore something because I'm not very flexible. Since tomorrow would be the finals, we practiced our talents we just hung out talking and joking in the common room. We pretty much did anything and there was no pressure whatsoever. Later that afternoon we were to have individual interviews. We weren’t going to be interviewed on stage due to time constraints, Narda had said. Instead we were going to be interviewed right there in the hostel, with Marisa and Adriaan as the judges.

In the afternoon we assembled in the foyer waiting for Adriaan. The other organizers from Joburg came to visit, bringing us platters of food, and Gert braaied (barbequed) some meat for us with the help of one kind man who had the cutest kids. But we weren’t to touch the food until we were done with the interviews. L It was a loooong wait. Adriaan couldn’t find the place and Chanel joked that I should be Superman and fly him here. Coleen joked that because he was body builder, he was too big for me to lift and I’d be flying up and down. It was rather funny, you had to be there! At the end he didn’t pitch at all and Narda took over his judging duties.

The only photo I took on Friday (I focused on shooting a video instead). That's Chanika and Chanel in the back.

We waited to be called and interviewed and I was the second last to be interviewed (meaning my food was cold by the time I was done) and I wasn’t nervous at all. I didn’t think I had a reason to be nervous as I was already comfortable with Narda and Marisa. I answered the questions with ease and I may even have rambled (sorry!)

Later after eating we hung around and I attempted (and failed) to take a nap. When night fell we swapped stories with each other. Narda told us a story about how some people broke into her house and there was a part where she said that one of the policemen had a really large belly that she bet he couldn’t see his penis. I laughed so hard at that and this is also one of those ‘you had to be there!’ stories haha! Chanel, Coleen and I talked boobs and it was a really hilarious conversation.

At night some of us got busy preparing for the next day. I exfoliated my legs with a yummy smelling sugar scrub and slathered on a mud mask on my face (which Alexis called poop). I helped Chanel with her hair and she has the most beautiful, fluffy curly hair but she doesn’t like it, preferring to straighten it instead, which is time consuming. We then indulged in our nightly ritual of tea and crackers (the rusks ran out L ) in the common room. There was a lot of laughter and just good vibes. Later that night a few of us; Christi, Chanel, Elzane and I practiced our walks till late. I was the last to leave the rehearsal room and I was practicing in my PJs!

I went to sleep knowing that I was going to miss the girls terribly, especially the above mentioned nightly ritual! It was my last night at the hostel with the girls  and the whole entire week with them was beautiful; it was a special kind of sistahood. I mean we could talk about boobs and other usually socially taboo subjects like we were talking about the weather! Spending time with them was amazing.

Stay tuned for The Big Day’s Diary!

‘Til Next Time

-Bella