Hello reader,
On Sunday I was woken up at exactly 7.16am (way before my
8am alarm) by Beauty, who I was surprised to see since we didn’t come back with
her but I later learned she came back with her f
amily. I laid awake for a few
minutes in bed, on my phone and trying to make sense of the previous night.
I got up, showered and had breakfast then packed the rest of
my things. I think I accidentally packed a spontaneous sock because one left
its partner to join the circus or maybe it was kidnapped by a sock goblin. I’m
now left with one lone black sock. I spent the morning chatting a bit with
Beauty whose family had left earlier (they lived in different places) while I
told Narda that I needed to leave before 10am. Beauty and Elzane were to be
dropped at the airport later in the afternoon but I decided to leave earlier
than them so I could do my laundry. Gert kindly drove me to the train station and
there I took the train back to Joburg where my sister picked me up and dropped
me off at my place.
I didn’t say much to my sister during the drive back and she
said she could clearly see that I was disappointed. I may have been
disappointed but that wasn’t why I was quite haha. I was exhausted and a lot of
thoughts were running through my mind.
When I was finally alone I again tried to make sense of my
feelings about the whole thing. The aftermath. I’m going to be strictly honest
and say that I wasn’t completely happy with the way things were conducted. The
first pageant I entered was ten times better than this one because ALL the
finalists felt like winners and everything was so amazingly organised and
planned. We all went home with a lot of prizes from sponsors and Manda Gomes,
Mrs Africa even gave all of us crowns just for being finalists. Everyone was
happy. It did break my heart seeing the disappointed faces of the other
finalists. I know that this was a competition and we couldn’t have all won and
many of us were going to be left disappointed. I do know that the pageant
didn’t have a lot of sponsors this year (seriously business owners, this
pageant needs more sponsors!) which
explains the lack of prizes for everyone (Narda herself gave everyone little
gifts and I’m grateful to her for that) but I believe it could have been better
conducted in terms of preparation.
Also, there was the question of the venue, its location and
the judges. All I can say is that I felt like there was a lot of racial bias,
even if it was unintentional as there wasn’t enough diversity on the judging
panel and I wasn’t the only one who noticed this. Perhaps (and hopefully) next
year’s pageant will be much better.
Overall, I don’t think it needs to be said but pageants are
hard. Extremely hard…and they are ruthless on your self-esteem. You need to
have confidence in yourself to enter a pageant because sometimes you get
knocked down. I left the pageant feeling terribly inadequate. “Am I ugly? Was
it my belly button? Or the unseen lipstick on my teeth? Or just my teeth in
general? (I have a little bit of an open bite) Is it because I didn’t walk
well?” and the worst one I asked myself, “was it because I’m black?” That
honestly was really absurd and I mentally scolded myself for thinking that.
Yes, I wasn’t in the Top 5, I didn’t win. That was
disappointing but if anything, it’s because the other girls were better. I, and
the other girls who didn’t win, just weren’t what the judges were looking for. I
have no doubt every one gave their best. There is nothing wrong with me and I’m
glad I wore that bikini and smiled my best smile because I own my insecurities
now. I’m not even quite sure they are insecurities anymore; they are more things
that set me apart from ‘normal’ mold.
With all that being said, I’m extremely happy for Elzane,
she’ll do great things with that crown and I’m happy for Christi and Elrie,
both very awesome people and I hope that they too will get a chance to make a
difference. I’m also so thankful to whoever voted for me to win Miss
Personality. I’ve only known those girls for a week and I felt like we had
created a sistahood bond and to be chosen as the best personality out of all of
them is a bit unbelievable even today because I meant it when I said they are
all awesome people, I really love them. The very first time I met them, from
meeting Marisa and Beauty at the airport to meeting Chanika, Christi, Chanel
and Coleen at the hostel I had thought to myself, “no way, these girls are all really beautiful. Wow, how is this
fair!?” That’s part of what went through my head when I was so quiet haha; internal
monologues with myself. It was great meeting everyone and seeing people like
Lefa, Lauren and Leviena (wow, even more alliterating names) who I last saw 3
years ago and I left knowing that there are still people who are beautiful
inside and out and with an increased sign language vocabulary. I can now have a
whole conversation using basic sign language and I’ll forever be grateful to
the girls for teaching me. Can’t wait to pay it forward and teach my family and
friends!
The question remains; will I enter again next year? I have
no idea. Some of the girls asked me to return and I’m not sure whether I will.
I enjoyed the whole complete experience of being around them for a week and I’d
sure love to see them again. However, the primary reason I entered Miss Deaf SA
was so that I could have a platform to really make a change. I’ve a lot of
things I want to say and I’ve a lot of things I want to do. That was really my
first and only motivation of entering in the first place. I’ve constantly
struggled with having people take me seriously or listen to my ideas my whole entire life. I had a youth
initiative charity that I had last year which didn’t end up working out because
of this very thing. I’ll keep on trying though; it’s a great passion of mine to
be able to do something for others. I’ll just do whatever I can by myself.
Little things go a long way after and I’ve got SO many ideas that I will tell
you guys about. I might even try and make a change through this blog. Pageants
are hard, as I said. Perhaps, even harder for me. I mean, I live in combat
boots; I don’t really wear make-up and my idea of ‘pretty, beautiful things’ is
nature and art –which I can just sit and look at for hours. I now see that I
really do not have what it takes to be a beauty queen. Life is amazing in its
unpredictability and the ability to surprise you. Everyone can make a change;
you don’t have to be ‘important’ to be heard. God knows what He’s doing; don’t judge
a twist or turn before you see what lies ahead.
This is the end of the pageant diaries. From Monday it’s
back to regular programming. Thank you for being on this ride with me and for
reading my blog. Have you ever entered a pageant before? What was it like? Let
me know in the comments!
‘Til next time
-Bella
