Hello reader,
Last week was tumultuous for me. It started with me getting
excited for Monday, as always (This is completely normal for me). Then
throughout the day I started feeling like I was suffocating and this continued
on into the next day…and the next. For the first time since I started working,
I didn’t want to get up in the morning and I was tired during the day, opting
to sleep early at night. I'd wake up, after snoozing my alarm for as long as I could, go to work, come back and watch copious amounts of Breaking Bad (which is more a comedy than a drama because there was so much laughter and chuckles from my side) before bed. I forced myself to pause and acknowledge the problem
at hand and well, would you have it. It wasn’t difficult to ascertain what was
going on.
Change. It’s exciting and often scary and right now I’m
experiencing a lot of it. This week marks my last week working here since my
internship is ending which means I’ll officially be unemployed and I’m going to
have to move back home. Because of this, I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to
find a new job. Jobs are scarce, what are
you going to do? Just sit at home? The truth is, I know exactly what I want
to do but it’s hard to find support when no one really understands what you
want to do and why. Despite all this, I feel so thankful of the opportunity I
received to work here. I have worked alongside some the country’s most revered
journalists and I have learnt so much…I have also learnt that I do not want to
do this for the rest of my life.
I am an artist. I express myself using creative visual
means. It’s just who I am, it’s who I’ve been since birth, to be quite honest. I
want to create the art that I want to do, I want to tell stories. There’ve been
times when I wouldn’t draw, or do an illustration for a long period of time. I
haven’t really used my camera for more than 6 months and that is really terrible. You stop doing something you really love for quite some time and you feel like you're merely existing.
And so because of all this, I decided to pursue my dreams, do I what I want to and
how I want to. Perhaps I’m asking for too much, especially in this economy but
all I know is that I’d rather wake up in the morning to do what I love and give
it a hundred percent than be unhappy doing something I really do not want to do
out of necessity. So for now an office job is out of the picture. I’m choosing
instead to follow my dreams and to work as hard as I am able to, to make every
one of them a reality.
This is really scary for me because it means I have no
security whatsoever but I am determined to go through with it. After all, I
didn’t scrawl all these ideas in my notebook to look back at them 5 years, 10
years from now and say to myself, “I wish I had the guts to at least try and
implement these ideas.”
This past weekend I assessed my options and I saw that it’s
not necessary for me to go straight into a stable job because I’m young. I do
not have a family to provide for and this is the liberty I need for me to go
ahead and do my own thing, regardless of how scary it gets.
I am really excited to create again and I really don’t mind
moving back home, this just means I’ll have people to test my culinary skills
on because goodness gracious, I’m itching to cook and bake again and to just
have the whole entire kitchen to myself. I’m excited to pick up my pencils and
paint brushes and get to work. I’m excited to pick up my camera and take some
excellent shots. I’m excited to just throw myself headfirst into creating and
to feel alive. I’m excited to be my own boss and to see my business ventures
take off. I also am excited to write even more, and to try new things such as
filmmaking. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!
I am now going to welcome each and any kind of change that
reveals itself in my life because I know it’s on to bigger and better things.
After all, your life is a book and there are different chapters; chapters end
and a new one begins.
Let me know if you’ve ever been scared of change and how you
dealt with it!
‘Til next time,
-Bella
